


The Breakdown of Love

by fireflyangelxx



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Angst, F/M, with some Fluff
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-25
Updated: 2018-07-25
Packaged: 2019-06-16 03:48:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,352
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15428376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fireflyangelxx/pseuds/fireflyangelxx
Summary: a Nessian fic told backwards





	The Breakdown of Love

Loving her always felt like death and then rebirth.

Nesta Archeron was very much like an angel of death, an avenger of hell. She was a queen of her own realm, ruling and raging as she desired. And for Cassian, that was everything he wanted--it was a challenge he could feel boiling in his blood.

Cassian dove headlong into the relationship without any care what happened to him. He only wanted what would happen when she turned on him, snapped at him, and then fell in love with him. He wanted to know every side of her, every part of her.

And he had.

But he hadn’t ever thought about their ending.

They weren’t kings and queens. No, Nesta was a queen, shining and blazing on her throne. But Cassian was her loyal knight, her soldier, her sword. He was always going to be her protector, always going to save her from the dangers around her, no matter if she wanted to fight them herself.

She ruled his heart and he was her shield to the world when things got too loud, too cruel.

There was never an end to their story. That’s what Cassian had believed a long time ago. It was a dream he didn’t want to quite let go, even though she was gone, buried six feet deep underground, leaving him standing alone in the grassy field, head bowed, eyes downcast, dressed in all black.

“Cassian.”

For a short, sweet moment, Cassian thought he heard Nesta. He turned slowly, unable to bear it, unable to let himself believe it. But it was just Feyre, her sister, staring at him solemnly. His face crumpled and his knees threatened to buckle.

“I’m sorry.” She said quietly.

He closed his eyes. There was a heartbeat of silence. When he opened his eyes again, his heart was still on fire, and everything still hurt. It hurt to breathe. Feyre was still watching him, her blue-gray eyes filled with sympathy and understanding and pain. She lived with what he did every day. Finally, he murmured. “I’m sorry too.”

Saying the words wasn’t enough. Nothing was ever enough.

Cassian turned to go. He couldn’t stand being here, standing in front of her grave, waiting for her to come back.

She wasn’t coming back.

He wished it wasn’t so hard to accept.

\---

“Cancer.” Cassian repeated, unable to understand what she was saying. Nesta was staring back at him, her eyes red-rimmed, tears still flowing down her face. His hand mechanically moved up to wipe some of it away and she closed her eyes and rocked against him. “Cancer.” He repeated.

When she didn’t reply, he smoothed down her hair and kissed the top of her head softly before whispering. “How long?”

“One month, maybe two.”

Cassian drew in a sharp breath, unable to hold out against the pain that hit him then. He had so little time with the woman he loved. He tucked her in close, letting her cry softly into his shoulder and he closed his own eyes as he tried to stop the pain from overwhelming him.

“It’s going to be okay.” He whispered to her, kissing her hair again and tracing circles on her back with his fingers. “I’m always here for you, you know that right?”

She just nestled even closer and Cassian breathed in her scent, wanting to remember this moment forever. He committed it to his memory, promising himself that he would have this moment and many more.

One month was a short amount of time but Cassian knew he would make every moment count.

“I love you.” He told her. “It’s going to be okay.”

\---

When the priest read the vows and Cassian had said the words “I do,” he felt as if he would explode into a million stars. The look on Nesta’s face was a look of pure elation and love. Cassian didn’t think he had ever seen her look at him like that. 

“You may now kiss the bride.”

Cassian didn’t need any further prompting. He pulled Nesta forward and pressed his mouth to hers, feeling every one of his senses light up as they connected. 

When they broke apart, Cassian could barely hear the cheers from their friends around them. The lights of the room should have blinded him and distracted him, as well as the explosion of colors coming from all the decorations, but all Cassian could see was Nesta. She was beautiful in her wedding dress, the white and gold glittering in the light. She was a queen.

She was _his_ queen.

“I want to spend a million years with you.” Cassian whispered in her ear, kissing her again.

“That’s impossible.” Nesta murmured against his mouth, though he could hear and feel her smile.

“Nothing is impossible, darling. We will have all the time in the world we want here. And then we’ll have time in the world after that. I am never leaving you ever again.”

Months later, Cassian would be keeping his promise about never leaving her.

But she would leave him.

\---

Asking her to marry him was the hardest thing Cassian had to do. They had been dating for five years already yet the man was unsure whether or not she would say yes. “Five years of happiness and you don’t know if she wants to live her whole life with you?” Rhys said in a disbelieving tone. “For Cauldron’s sake, Cassian, just do it.”

He looked at his brother then, who was happily married to Feyre for a whole year now. “What if she says no?”

“If she says no, then she’s not worth it.” Rhys frowned at Cassian. “Why are you so hesitant? Nesta loves you. Why would she say no?”

Cassian wasn’t sure how to explain this to Rhys, who had spent his entire time with Feyre maddenly in love. The two of them were like a fantasy come true: happy lives, true love, beautiful wedding. 

His relationship with Nesta was a roller coaster. He couldn’t keep track of the thousands of time they had fought, where Nesta had stormed out of his house and hadn’t returned for a week straight. He knew he loved her, but Cassian wasn’t sure if Nesta loved him. She certainly had never told him that before.

“Five years.” Rhys repeated. “Nobody dates for five years and then decide they don’t want to marry that person.”

“You never know.” Cassian shook his head, frustrated and agitated that Rhys would never understand. “Look, you don’t get it. You and Feyre are…” He waved his hand, unable to formulate the words.

“Your relationship with Nesta doesn’t have to match mine with Feyre to work.” Rhys said quietly, clapping his brother on the shoulder. “They’re sisters--two different people. So are we. If Nesta didn’t love you, she wouldn’t have stayed with you for five years. We’ve all seen how she gets; if she hated you enough, she would have dumped you and left you a long time ago.”

It was all true, but Cassian still couldn’t swallow the feeling that she wouldn’t say yes. “You already bought the ring.” Rhys stared pointedly at the box Cassian was clutching. “And Feyre is bringing Nesta over along with Elain and Az. We went over this a thousand times: today you’re going to get down on one knee and propose to her.”

Cassian wanted to argue; he wanted to change the date, to tuck the ring into his pocket and never take it out again. But at that moment, the door flew open and Nesta Archeron stepped into the house.

He froze. He couldn’t help it, as he stared at her. She was beautiful, even in worn out jeans and a t-shirt. It was as if every thought had emptied out of Cassian’s brain. He ran a self conscious hand through his hair, a few curls flopping over his eyes. He quickly brushed it back.

Nesta turned towards him, her eyes dropping towards his hands. It was now or never, Cassian realized, he would never get another chance like this.

He dropped to one knee and Nesta stared at him from where she was standing. “Cassian, what--?” She began.

“Nesta Archeron,” Cassian interrupted her, taking one of her hands in his own. “Will you marry me?”

For a moment she stared at him in shock, her free hand covering her mouth. Feyre, Elain, and Azriel were standing behind her, all wearing matching grins. But Cassian couldn’t pull his gaze away from Nesta, waiting for her reaction and answer.

“Cassian,” Rhys whispered urgently, “I think you’re supposed to show her the ring.”

Cassian realized he was still clutching the closed box. With a strangled noise, he fumbled to open the box and revealed the glittering sapphire ring sitting inside. Nesta’s eyes widened even further.

“Yes.” She threw her arms around him and kissed him.

It was this, Cassian realized, that made him feel like he was falling. It would be a thousand miles until he hit the bottom but he would fall every step of the way with Nesta wrapped in his arms. There was never a day that Cassian had to go without her.

Until he had to.

\---

“How do I look?”

“Isn’t that a question the girl is supposed to ask?” Azriel wasn’t even looking at him. He was rummaging through his closet to find a shirt to wear. 

“Come on.” Cassian pleaded his brother. “I need to know.”

“You look like you.” Azriel said without turning around. “Which I’m sure is a mess.”

Cassian groaned. “Oh come on. Please say I look nice.”

“You look nice.”

Cassian threw a pillow at Azriel’s head. “I’m serious.”

“So am I.”

Cassian contemplated how much trouble he’d get into for murdering his brother. “Where’s Rhys? I’ll ask him instead.” He began to clamber off the bed.

“Rhys is out with Feyre.” Azriel reminded him. “It’s just you and me in the house today.”

“Just you.” Cassian grumbled. “I’m going out with Nesta tonight and I need to know if I look nice. First impression and all.”

“First impression usually happens when you first meet.” Azriel finally turned around. “You’ve already met Nesta several times.”

“This is the first _date_ though.” Cassian protested.

Azriel waved a lazy hand. “Semantics.”

“Do I look all right?” Cassian checked himself in the mirror. He was wearing a white t-shirt underneath a flannel shirt. His skinny jeans were black and Cassian was wearing his favorite combat boots. He could only hope he looked decent enough that Nesta would find him fancy.

“‘All right’ is a very general term.” Azriel had a smirk on his face; he enjoyed riling Cassian up too much.

“Oh you’re hopeless.” Cassian groaned. Before he could pester his brother more on his looks, Cassian heard the doorbell ring.

“I got it!” Azriel lunged for the door and was out of the bedroom in a flash. Cassian didn’t have the time to tell him that he was still shirtless. He trailed after Azriel reluctantly, tugging at his shirt. He prayed it wasn’t Nesta so he could have a bit more time to calm his nerves.

“Hey, Nesta.” Azriel smiled at the girl standing at the door.

Nesta was staring at his bare torso and Azriel glanced down self-consciously. “Oh! I’ll just go...put on a shirt or something.” Azriel fled from the door, shooting Cassian a panicked look. Cassian couldn’t help but smile a little at his brother’s flustered state.

“Hey.” Cassian appeared and gave Nesta a smile, albeit a bit nervously. “Are you ready to go?”

It was an extremely stupid question, considering Nesta must have left her house ready. Cassian berated himself for not going to pick her up and wondered why he had asked her to come to his house. It certainly wasn’t because he wanted his shirtless brother to answer the door.

“Yes.” Nesta gave him a small smile. “Are you?”

“Of course.” Cassian was out the door in a flash and shut the door behind him. “Ready for the best dinner of your life?”

\---

“There she is!” Rhys grinned. “Feyre Archeron: the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met.”

Cassian followed his line of sight and saw a girl a few years younger than them chatting with Lucien Vanserra. “She’s pretty.” He conceded, but his eyes caught a girl behind her, tall and stiff, obviously uncomfortable with being left out of the conversation. “Who’s the girl behind her?”

Rhys squinted in the distance. “Um, I think that’s her sister? Her oldest one at least. Nesta Archeron.”

_Nesta Archeron._ It sounded enchanted.

“Come on,” he grabbed Rhys’s arm and dragged him towards the girls and Lucien. “You can introduce me to your new girlfriend.”

Rhys didn’t protest; he obviously wanted to talk to Feyre anyway. They stopped a few feet away, letting Lucien and Feyre finish their talk before the two Archeron sisters turned to them.

“Rhys!” Feyre hugged Rhys and smiled at her boyfriend. “Who’s your friend?”

“Cassian.” He gave the younger girl a polite smile but turned to her sister. “And you are…?”

“Someone not interested in meeting you.” Her older sister said coldly, staring at him flatly.

Cassian put on an easy smile, feeling his heart race at the challenge in her tone. “Well it’s nice to meet you anyway.” He then grinned, knowing it would probably make her see red. “If you ever want to find me, I’m usually with this idiot here.” He pointed at Rhys.

“I don’t think I’ll ever need that information.” She turned away from him and walked away.

He stared after her, entranced. He already knew that he would be finding every chance to cross paths with Nesta Archeron in hopes of getting her to smile at him, to just look at him. The challenge was almost enough to send him running after her.

“Cassian, what’s with you?” Rhys waved a hand in front of his face, snapping him out of his reverie. “You look ridiculous.”

“You look in love.” Feyre corrected.

“I think I might be.” Cassian breathed, his eyes still trailing after Nesta Archeron.


End file.
